I don't see
by Jleo
Summary: Life can seem hopeless sometimes. There are days when we dont want to live anymore. Darkness surrounds us and we can't see the light. This story is about someone in the darnkess who struggles to find the light again.


I don't see…

By Jleo

I don't see a light in the darkness. I only see darkness, despair and hate. It is all caving in on me and I'm afraid that I'm going to collapse under its weight. Darkness seeps into my skin and settles around my bones. Despair rips through me like a thousand knives. My eyes remain squeezed shut, too afraid to meet hate staring back at me with its dark, cold, black eyes.

I don't see hope. I only see the four walls surrounding me…trapping me in. Walls with scratched messages, names, and numbers. Messages of hope…hope that I don't see. Names of people who, just like me, lost hope along time ago. Numbers of days, weeks, months, and years of darkness, loneliness, and sorrow.

I did have hope in the beginning. A small flame was still ignited within me. Little by little, though, it grew dimmer and dimmer until it was blown out. For a little while I tried to re-light it but the darkness blew it out every time I tried. The darkness blew my hopes away and I gave up.

I don't see love any more. Down here there is only hate. Hateful words, hateful stares, and hateful actions. Just like hope, love was swallowed by the darkness. Most of the time I let the hate consume me. I sit here and hate the world. I hate these four walls. I hate my parents and my friends. I hate the people that took my hope and love away. Most of all, though, I hate myself.

This hate that has engulfed me makes me do strange things. This hate strangles me and tears at me. It wants me dead. Most of the time I let this hate consume me but sometimes in the deepest darkness I long for love. I used to be full of love. I was loved…once long ago. My parents loved me. My friends loved me, and for some reason I loved myself. Sometimes, if I try hard enough, I can remember what love felt like. A light is almost lit…but then I open my eyes and see hate and all its hatefulness staring back and me and the light is gone.

All I want is one light. It doesn't have to be big and bright. All I want is to see again. All I want is for the light to push away all the darkness and loneliness and hate that is threatening to strip away my life. It's too heavy, too much to bear. There is never going to be light again is there? My question is answered with a dark, cold silence and I know the answer…no. Then life isn't worth living any more.

Darkness, hate, and loneliness you have won. Are you happy now? You've succeeded…you've got me now. The tears finally come after being dry so long. They run down my hateful and ugly face. They slide onto my lips and I can taste their saltiness…it makes me gag. I close my eyes. I'm giving up. I hand myself over to the darkness.

I don't see darkness. A light is glowing from somewhere. I'm still afraid to open my eyes but I can feel its warmth, taste its promise. It's growing. Should I open my eyes? What if it's a dream? I cant bear to see hate again. The light is still growing and my fear fades. This must be real. A warm familiar sensation tingles my toes. It travels through my body and when it reaches my head, I know what it is…hope. Hope spreads through me, awakening me from my loneliness and despair. It stirs up the sadness and shakes lose the darkness from my bones. Before long darkness has completely vanished from my body. I now have the strength, courage and hope to open my eyes.

They crack open and light spills in. Glorious light is growing stronger and brighter by the second. My eyes open wider and wider until I am staring into the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen…the eyes of love. My gaze never leaves and my lips break from their frown into a huge smile. Love reaches out toward me and I eagerly walk to him. He surrounds me in an embrace and my heart and soul are lifted so high that I can hardly contain my joy.

Love is the only thing I can see. Darkness, loneliness, and hate are no longer visible. Love breaks his embrace and takes my hand. He leads me away from these cold four walls into the waiting light. There is only one way, one person, who could have destroyed everything dark and hateful in my life. That person is love. Jesus is love.

There are days when I don't see love. There are days when I don't see Jesus. Some days darkness tries to swallow me again. I'm never going to let that happen though. The light may not always be visible, but I know it is there. Jesus will always be a part of my life and hate will never again fully consume me. The light is sometimes dimmed and maybe even hiding. However, with love always by my side, it will never again be extinguished.


End file.
